I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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