Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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