I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
