Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
