he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
