My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
