Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I believe in your delicious
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
