It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
