My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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