Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
