So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
