So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
