i think my tv is drunk
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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