the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I didn't notice because vodka
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
