i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
