Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
