anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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