I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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