worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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