The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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