I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
