dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Vodka?
Forever.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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