so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
