I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
