32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
