Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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