No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
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