sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He felt like a one man threesome
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
