Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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