I want you more than these girls want KFC
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
