Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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