You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Enjoy the penises
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
