My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
