At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
