3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
