apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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