So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
