you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
