he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
