Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
