After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
