I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
