Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
