This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
