i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
