I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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