The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I love you. Go after that dick
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
