he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
