Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
