all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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